Why I blog.

I’d like to able to say I blog to do something useful like giving advice, being informative or a fount of wisdom like a lot of blogs. You can find advice on travels, hobbies, cooking, probably anything you can think of. People have very interesting lives!

I used to keep a diary. I’d write stuff down but I’m sure the people closest to me worried that I’d written about them and wanted to know but respected the diary rules too much to check. So for me blogging is really about just being a public diary of my thoughts and day to day life. Then if my husband and daughter really want to know what I’m really thinking they can read about themselves here. I don’t know if they do. I gave them the link, if they want to look they can and then talk to me if bothered. She requested I maintained privacy which is what I try to do with names and no photos, which is fair enough, but everything else is my truth. I say my truth because I suppose in any situation, everyone’s perspective is different.

So I got a blogging subscription. I didn’t want adverts I had no control over and I wasn’t joking when I said it was cheaper than therapy. A fellow blogger mentioned counselling and the cost the other day and I counted up how much we had spent and for not much return really. I’ve done counselling 3 times. The first time was an emergency 6 sessions block from the nhs. The second time was couples counselling due to outside interference and third was to fix things with hubby’s parents that they said they would pay for and attend and ended up not paying for any or coming to any that I was involved in. I think we have spent at least £800 on counselling. He got nothing out of it because he put nothing of himself into it. He doesn’t like people knowing his business, or showing emotion so he said “the right things”. It helped me but my opinion was if I’m paying for this then I may as well use it properly. Obviously I’m still a work in progress.

I started writing for me. To put down how I felt, to try to make sense of things. When you are talking sometimes hearing something out loud can make you think again or in a different way, so I hoped writing would do the same. Like I’m writing to someone not just writing in secret. I don’t know if this makes any sense, I’m rambling! Hubs said “will you be sad if no one reads it” and I answered no. He wanted to make sure I wouldn’t feel like a failure but I explained my reasoning and he was happy. I feel like a failure in so much of life, he was just looking out for me. Every now and then he asks if it’s helping and I tell him yes it is. I probably spend more time reading blogs than actually writing! I found a good gardening one. I found some written by people with asd and parents of asd kids, people with anxiety like mine, people who are starting life after uni, a great one who explores personalities and why we do things (Dr Perry- I’m always sending his links to my husband about the narcissistic personality blog posts), and some who just grab my attention as I’m flitting through instead of doing the mountain of chores I have lurking in the background.

What I say next may make me sound like a right saddo but I’ll say it anyway. I find I’m invested in these people. I cheer at their good news, cry at their heartbreak, listen to new ideas, remember how I was at the beginning of my own autism journey- they feel like people I know. I talk to my husband about them in the evening “we aren’t the only ones going to tribunal” and then proceed to tell him all about the troubles of others. And the triumphs. Due to all kinds of reasons I don’t have a sparkling social life. I don’t have many friends. I don’t mind, I’ve never been very social. But on line I get to “socialise” with a whole range of people I would never meet in my daily life and I’m thankful and grateful.

I don’t feel alone anymore.

Xx

Back to school

The little ones went back this week. Oliver on Monday, Popples on Tuesday. I have spent the last week tracking down pants for skinny boys as the ones I got him based on age were mahoosive! Then there was labelling every item, printing the booklet for Oliver to show what he’d done over the holidays, drawing pictures in Popple’s booklet “all about me”, packing pe kits, book bags, getting moneys and water bottles together etc and of course the weekend when I needed the time, we had a memorial to go to and a christening. Perfect timing!

Olly’s new teacher had provided a booklet to show his new teacher, ta’s, classroom and topic list so we could prepare him. Then the school decides to remodel his classroom over the break. And they have put a fence up. So it looked nothing like it did in the pictures. However when he saw Mrs D, his 1-to-1 his face lit up and he went in. Cuts to funding means he can’t be dropped off til almost 9 whereas every other kid can go in from 8.45, so we play on the keep fit equipment in the playground til it’s time for us to go in.

So far he’s doing ok. His letters are getting better formed, his number work is good, his listening skills have improved and he is a bit more patient and using more words spontaneously. His teacher is male which is a first for him, he’s always been surrounded by women so we will see how this dynamic works. Mr W came out at pick up time to explain the homework situation and if I wanted spellings sent home. He was really nice, no pressure and if he pitches homework above olly’s level to let him know and he will change it! I know right, he’s actually prepared to tailor the work so he’s still doing the same topic as the class, so he’s still included. I’m hoping this isn’t just lip service but I’ve heard good things about this teacher, he doesn’t like his SEN children segregated too much from the class, he wants inclusion!

So Olly has his work station set up at the edge of the classroom for if it gets too much and his seat at his classroom table is at the back where there’s space behind him and there’s some lovely kids on his table. So I’m hoping he will be ok.

Popples had a bad Monday night stressing about school. She gets very anxious with change to the point where she can barely function, sore tummy, can’t sleep, barely eats- and all I can do is to talk to her and reassure her. She’s gone into FS2 so it’s the same room as last year but a different half of the room. She asked me to take her in on the first day. We found her peg to hang her coat, found her tray for her book bag and she wouldn’t let go. She looked so small and scared even though she knows the teacher. They’ve changed the room around and it threw her completely. If I’d known I’d have warned her and talked it through.

Eventually I had to go so I found her best friend and left her with him and a teacher close by. They know she’s a nervy kid so when I went to pick her up they made sure to tell me how she’d got on. Last night she couldn’t sleep, ended up in bed with me, claiming she wasn’t going back. We had a bad mood all morning and I said I’d have a word with the teacher to make sure that someone watched to see if she got sad face, so they could help her straight away. I had a word, as promised, and they took her to play play-doh. Thank god they know her so well, treating her kindly now will mean in a week or so she should be back to her confident happy school self. Forcing her to mingle or go in on her own won’t help, she needs to feel supported. It’s not too bad because nearly all parents are going in as it’s first week. Some kids are so upset at being left but we all know once parents have gone, they have a great time!

For me, well I’ll get used to the quiet house eventually. I do miss them. We had a good summer. The early starts and getting three kids ready for 8.30 and three drop offs by 9.05 is a challenge but I’m sure it’ll be smoother as we do it more (ok who am I trying to kid)

So…… so far, so well not exactly good but getting there.

Xx