I’d like to able to say I blog to do something useful like giving advice, being informative or a fount of wisdom like a lot of blogs. You can find advice on travels, hobbies, cooking, probably anything you can think of. People have very interesting lives!
I used to keep a diary. I’d write stuff down but I’m sure the people closest to me worried that I’d written about them and wanted to know but respected the diary rules too much to check. So for me blogging is really about just being a public diary of my thoughts and day to day life. Then if my husband and daughter really want to know what I’m really thinking they can read about themselves here. I don’t know if they do. I gave them the link, if they want to look they can and then talk to me if bothered. She requested I maintained privacy which is what I try to do with names and no photos, which is fair enough, but everything else is my truth. I say my truth because I suppose in any situation, everyone’s perspective is different.
So I got a blogging subscription. I didn’t want adverts I had no control over and I wasn’t joking when I said it was cheaper than therapy. A fellow blogger mentioned counselling and the cost the other day and I counted up how much we had spent and for not much return really. I’ve done counselling 3 times. The first time was an emergency 6 sessions block from the nhs. The second time was couples counselling due to outside interference and third was to fix things with hubby’s parents that they said they would pay for and attend and ended up not paying for any or coming to any that I was involved in. I think we have spent at least £800 on counselling. He got nothing out of it because he put nothing of himself into it. He doesn’t like people knowing his business, or showing emotion so he said “the right things”. It helped me but my opinion was if I’m paying for this then I may as well use it properly. Obviously I’m still a work in progress.
I started writing for me. To put down how I felt, to try to make sense of things. When you are talking sometimes hearing something out loud can make you think again or in a different way, so I hoped writing would do the same. Like I’m writing to someone not just writing in secret. I don’t know if this makes any sense, I’m rambling! Hubs said “will you be sad if no one reads it” and I answered no. He wanted to make sure I wouldn’t feel like a failure but I explained my reasoning and he was happy. I feel like a failure in so much of life, he was just looking out for me. Every now and then he asks if it’s helping and I tell him yes it is. I probably spend more time reading blogs than actually writing! I found a good gardening one. I found some written by people with asd and parents of asd kids, people with anxiety like mine, people who are starting life after uni, a great one who explores personalities and why we do things (Dr Perry- I’m always sending his links to my husband about the narcissistic personality blog posts), and some who just grab my attention as I’m flitting through instead of doing the mountain of chores I have lurking in the background.
What I say next may make me sound like a right saddo but I’ll say it anyway. I find I’m invested in these people. I cheer at their good news, cry at their heartbreak, listen to new ideas, remember how I was at the beginning of my own autism journey- they feel like people I know. I talk to my husband about them in the evening “we aren’t the only ones going to tribunal” and then proceed to tell him all about the troubles of others. And the triumphs. Due to all kinds of reasons I don’t have a sparkling social life. I don’t have many friends. I don’t mind, I’ve never been very social. But on line I get to “socialise” with a whole range of people I would never meet in my daily life and I’m thankful and grateful.
I don’t feel alone anymore.