Ended today with the Wave of Light at 7 pm. I am currently lay in bed next to Oliver who kept trying to blow my candle out.
1 in 4 pregnancies in the uk end in loss during pregnancy or birth. And yet we don’t talk about it. Why? For me it’s because I have no words that I can say to those close to me. There’s no words they can say to me. There’s nothing that can make it feel any better really, except maybe time. I just don’t think they’d understand the pain and grief. Or maybe I do them a disservice and I don’t talk because I’m scared of going back to the dark thoughts I had then, saying it out loud would be so painful, I don’t know if I can do that.
Anyway Twitter was awash tonight with the Wave of Light. So many families going through the same things. Some were just candles, some had names, some had poems and some were written by people who haven’t experienced baby loss but wanted to show support. It made me feel less alone. I lit my candle for longer than the requested hour and joined the Twitter wave. I found everything I read made me feel so sorry for these people, their stories are heartbreaking. Much worse than mine.
I think we need to stop the silence around baby loss. This week of awareness has certainly made me aware of how isolated people become. How no one knows what to say so say nothing. How people decide how long you can grieve for or tell you it’s nothing to grieve over. Everyone is different and it’s not something everyone can get over.
Don’t ignore it if it happens to someone you know. Don’t say they can try again or “these things happen for a reason”. Use the baby’s name if they have one. Ask how dad is feeling too, he often gets overlooked. Just be there, even if you feel you aren’t doing anything helpful, it will be appreciated- so many people pretend it never happened or disappear.
If anyone reading this has experienced loss of a baby there are plenty of helplines out there and forums where you can get support. You aren’t alone. Just check out #WaveofLight on twitter and you’ll see just how many people are in the same boat as you, trying to stay afloat. I wish for you to find peace.
In memory of Virginia and Edmund, my angel babies.
P.S Please forgive the rambling nature of this post