I have been a bit glum recently, so I was in the garden trying to head off the depression by digging up spuds and pruning stuff which usually helps as I can think and sort my head out before resuming real life. It’s my therapy. My brain decided to push me to the brink by saying “look at all the things you’ve never done and will never do”. My brain does not like me much.
I have never been asked out. Now I know that may not seem like a big deal but it does affect you and your confidence especially when going through your teenage years. So I asked myself why. I may be a minger (apparently my sisters are the pretty ones), or it may be my social awkwardness or it maybe because I am really bad at flirting. I once flirted with a guy for 6 months- he didn’t realise I liked him til I said those words- that’s how bad I am. Worse than Ross from friends. Anyway there could be a million reasons.
I thing the main thing is though that I never followed societal norms. If I liked someone I’d ask them out. A contradiction really in someone so shy but I am quite practical. What’s the point in mooning over someone if they don’t like you back, never knowing is worse than risking rejection. I had a friend at high school who mooned over someone for 4 years and was aghast when I advised her to ask him out. “He might not like me” yeah then you can move on. Apparently it was unthinkable to do that. (I know today we live in a more equal society but this is going back 20 odd years).
So I don’t know if I was seen as forward by boys which may have put them off. Of course I got many rejections, even after I stopped wearing braces. I was quiet, clever and had no boobs. Not exactly what the boys at school wanted. Oh and I can argue in an empty room. I did get a couple of takers. Funny that when I got a boyfriend my so called friends would suddenly find them attractive and flirt (when did they get lessons?). My first boyfriend got propositioned by my friend whilst I was with him and another friend told him I’d asked him out on a dare.
I also proposed to my husband. He was my first boyfriend, he moved away and we met up again in our 30’s. I tried flirting but it didn’t work again. Somehow we got together and after a year I decided to propose to him. Apparently he’d liked me for a while but we only started dating once I’d made my move and bared my soul. I knew waiting for him to propose – well it wouldn’t happen. And even if he said no to me, after all it’d only been a year, at least he’d know how I felt and it must be an ego boost if someone wants to marry you.
I know women who’ve been in long term relationships and talk about waiting to get the ring. When I suggest them proposing they recoil. They can’t do that. It looks needy. They want the romance. Etc etc. Do men not want that too? I whisked mine off to Iceland as he’d always wanted to see the northern lights. I proposed on a mountain under the lights. I had never been so nervous. But he said yes so that was ok, even though I’d prepared for no or not yet.
So I’ll never be asked out or proposed to. I’ll always be socially awkward. Thankfully I have no need to flirt anymore. I may be a minger. I’m probably too practical. But I have a family who love me and accept me, and my eldest gets to relive my past flirting and amuse herself.
So take that, mr brain. Yes there are things I might never get to do but I got to watch a bee collect pollen, I got to watch the light dapple through the trees, I got to make cloud shapes. I got to play scary tree and squash mummy. Gardening is never a solo occupation for long 😂Ok I then got to scrub mud off everyone in the bath but sometimes I think I need to look at what I have. And next time my brain turns traitor that’s exactly what I’ll try to do.